The List
by Dragonhulk
Summary: The people in Xanders life decided to create a list of things he is no longer allowed to do. Xander decides to make the list as interesting as possible.
1. Chapter 1

The List

The List

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Buffy, or the list. I wish I had know about it when it was being written to make suggestions, but sadly I was not so all the rules come from other people.

Rating: Teen

Summary: The people in Xanders life decided to create a list of things he is no longer allowed to do. Xander decides to make the list as interesting as possible.

AN: My muse is being particularly stubborn with the stories I'm currently writing, so I'm giving into her every whim on the off chance she will start to speak to me again. If you wish to look at the list before I finish the web address is jpublic./52812.html For those of you reading this at who can't see the address type in Things Xander Harris is No Longer Allowed to Do (final list) into the yahoo search engine and it will be the link that leads to the LJ of jpublic.

AN2: Expect short parts in this story and for it only to be updated when I get stuck on my other stories. Don't worry though at a planned three hundred and three parts there will still be a lot to read.

* * *

Xander walked into the office of Rupert Giles with a bit of trepidation. He had only been back from Africa for a week, and already he was being sent to the equivalent of the Principals office.

"Xander, thank you for coming," said Giles.

"No problem G-man," said Xander with a bit of a friendly smirk. Just because he was nervous didn't mean he was going to show it. "I'm not really sure why I'm here though; I thought we got all of the reunion talks out of the way a few days ago."

"We did, but an issue has come to my attention that you should be aware of, or more accurately you need to be aware of the solution to the issue."

"Okay, so what's the issue?"

"After your return from Africa you seem to have regressed a bit, becoming more clown like than you have been for years, this concerns us."

"Africa is not a nice place Giles, and I was sent to find slayers there with almost no back up. It was either start making jokes again or snap."

"Understandable, but you are no longer in Africa. This place has dangers of its own, namely the dangers any man would face when surrounded by powerful women. Antagonizing a normal woman is trouble, angering the women who live here is the equivalent to committing suicide."

"So what's the solution you guys came up with?" asked Xander, knowing that he wouldn't have been called in here if they didn't already have something in mind.

"This," said Giles as he handed over a paper simply titled Things Xander Harris is No Longer Allowed to Do.

"Giles, this is blank," said Xander.

"I'm aware of that. You see this is a magical master paper connected to over one hundred and fifty other pieces of paper that are placed around the school. Anything that is written on this paper will appear on all of the other sheets of paper, letting you know when you have crossed the line from humor to mortal peril."

"And just who suggested posting this everywhere instead of just giving me a sheet to personally view?"

"Ah, that would be Robin. He suggested letting others see it so they don't make the same mistakes."

"Okay," said Xander in a far too calm voice as he got up from his chair. In his mind he paraphrased the greatest animated bunny of all time as he simply thought this means war.


	2. Rule 1

The first strike against those who would oppress fun and laughter…. Er, that is to say that the first addition to the list couldn't have happened better if Xander had planned it.

This, in Xander's opinion, was exactly why the list shouldn't exist. He hadn't done anything wrong; he had only given his best bud a new nickname and gave one of the baby Slayers a pep talk.

(Two Days before the Event)

"Hey Dorothy, why the sad face?" asked Xander as he approached the youngest Slayer.

"Don't call me that, it's stupid," said Dorothy with a small sniffle.

"It's your name isn't it? Okay granted I'm all for the nicknames, but I need to get to know you better before giving you one."

"It's stupid," the young girl stated again. "Everyone always asks me where my stupid dog is, and it's a stupid grandma name."

"Ah," said Xander in some understanding. Slayers were girls empowered to fight all the evil things that went bump in the night, but they were still girls. That is to say that supernatural fighters or not, they still occasionally teased each other like normal girls.

"Let me tell you my theory about Dorothy and Oz, I think she was a Slayer."

"What?"

"Think about it. Teenage girl survives having her house thrown into another dimension and kills an evil witch the second she gets there. Then, instead of hiding under her bed or staying with the happy little people she goes on a quest to find a wizard, fighting evil and making friends along the way. Finally she slays another evil witch, letting everyone live happily ever after. If that isn't a Slayer story, I don't know what is."

"Are you sure? Wouldn't a Slayer have killed the Scarecrow instead of making friends with it?"

"Nahh, Buffy fought alongside a ventriloquist dummy, and that's close enough to a Scarecrow."

"So, Dorothy is a Slayer name, and not stupid?"

"Exactly."

"Thanks Xander," said the girl as she embraced him in a powerful hug that almost hurt vital areas of his body.

(Five Minutes before the Event)

Dorothy was currently high. Oh she wasn't taking drugs or anything like that, she was simply high due to the fact that her first patrol, where she had killed a vampire on her own, had ended less than an hour ago, and from the massive amounts of sugar she had consumed from Xander's 'secret' stash of candy.

It was probably these factors that had lowered the already low impulse controls in her brain. This lowered control was shown because Dorothy thought it would be a fun idea to fill a bucket with ice water and show everyone that Dorothy really was a Slayer name.

Finally spotting her target the youngest Slayer quickly dumped the water over the head of her napping victim.

A sputtering Willow came up from where she had been taking a nap on the couch.

A sputtering Willow that was wearing a white shirt at the time.

A sputtering Willow that was now showing everyone that she was not wearing a bra under her now transparent shirt.

Unaware of the unholy creature of rage she had just awoken Dorothy was doing a victory dance and then shouted, "I am Dorothy, Slayer of Willow, the Wicked Wicca of the West!!!"

Willows right eyebrow started to twitch as her mind instantly recognized a nickname that only one person had dared call her before now.

"XANDERRRRR!!!"

Oh look, the rage now had a new target.

1) Call any female magic-wielder the Wicked Wicca of the West, especially Willow.


	3. Rule 2

"Xander, I think we need to talk," said Buffy as she walked toward the one eyed carpenter.

"Sure Buffy, what's up?"

"We need to talk about your nickname for the SIT's."

"Oh, you mean the whole harem thing?" asked Xander after a few minutes of racking his brain. "It's just a joke, but if some of them don't like it I'll cut it out."

"Them not liking it isn't the problem," said Buffy as she handed him a notepad with a list of names.

There were two things about the notepad that freaked Xander out. The first was that the title read 'Petition to let Xander form his Harem.' The second thing was the first name on the list was Dawn Summers.

Xander summed up the situation he found himself in with two simple words, "Oh crap."

2) At no time may I refer to the Slayers-in-Training collectively as 'my harem'.


	4. Rules 313

"Okay class, listen up," said Xander as his one eye evaluated his students. "Today I'm going to show you some videos to help you when you go out to kill vampires. Pay close attention everyone, I will quiz you on this later."

The first video was only nine minutes long, so soon enough Xander was turning on the lights and talking to the new slayers again.

"Okay, now who can tell me what they learned from this?" asked Xander.

"That you watch way too much TV," said one girl that was sitting in the back.

"This is true, but I was thinking about what you learned on how to kill vampires."

"Never pull the lever for the Super Fun Happy Slide?" ventured one of the Slayers.

"There you go a good lesson. The Super Fun Happy Slide is always a trap, never go on it."

"Nothing happens when you stake a vampire in the crotch?"

"Sadly that was one thing that the video got wrong. The crotch is fare game people, as Rona proved when she went out last week."

"Vampires can come back to life long enough to fire you?"

"Yep, if you work for them; at last count we have three vampires that refused to stay dust. If you want to know their full histories they're in the computer under Deadboy, Bleached Blunder, and Deadboy's Skanky Sire."

"Xander, could I have a word with you?" asked Giles from his place in the back of the room where he had been resisting the urge to hit his head against the wall for the last fifteen minutes.

"Oh come on Giles, the next video is South Park."

3) Not allowed to use Simpsons, South Park, or any other cartoon as authoritative references.

* * *

In Xander's opinion writing reports was dull. No, on second though make that dull to the power of dull, with a side of mind numbing boring. Fortunately he had found a way to make writing the reports a bit more interesting.

He first stumbled onto his method after one patrol reminded him of an episode of Xena. On a whim he started that report with 'In a time when' just to give it a bit more flavor, and before he knew it he had the report written as a not boring fantasy story. All the points were covered, and he only added in a scene or two to keep the plot going.

After doing this a few times, Giles said that he couldn't begin his reports that way, even going so far as to put it on the list. He had probably just meant it as a reminder to write proper reports, but Xander had simply seen it as a challenge.

The next report started with 'Once upon a time,' and read like a fairy tale from a children's book. He was able to write two reports like this before it made it on the list.

Next came 'It was a dark and stormy night.' This was a tribute to all the horror authors he had been forced to read in high school. Only one made it in before this too was added to the list.

Now it was time once again for the weekly meetings, where everyone shared their reports. Xander had a bet going with himself that they would only let him read the first line before putting it on the list.

"Well Xander, it's your turn," said Giles as he turned towards the younger man with a bit of apprehension.

"Thanks G-man," said Xander right before lifting his report and beginning to read directly from it. "I never believed any of the stories in your magazine, until it happened to me."

"Stop!" commanded Giles, who knew that Xander had spent the last week training the new Nordic slayer, nicknamed Valkyrie, with Faith. Considering how you could tell the theme of Xander's stories these last few weeks it was best to stop here before Xander went into detail.

"I think it's safe to say that is also added to the list Xander," said Giles in a weary voice. "As a matter of fact, I think it may be best if you don't write reports ever again, simply because I fear what your mind will come up with to try and top this."

"If you say so Giles," said Xander as he slid his almost picture perfect report back into its envelope. It was a good thing he won that bet with himself, otherwise he would have to admit defeat and go back to the boring reports.

4) No report may start with: "In a time when"  
4a) Or "Once upon a time"  
4b) Or "It was a dark and stormy night"  
4c) Or "I never believed any of the stories in your magazine, until it happened to me"  
4d) In fact, I'm not to write reports at all anymore.

* * *

"Be reasonable Xander, calling them that undermines their authority with the Slayers," said Giles.

"Giles the last one peed himself on patrol when he had to fight a fledgling that was so new it still had dirt in its ears. It isn't possible for me to damage their authority any more than that, no matter what I call them."

"Be that as it may, the new Watchers are threatening to quit if you don't stop. We are already undermanned, and even though I'll admit that I loathe accepting help from people who would quit because of a stupid reason like this, the truth is we can't afford to lose them at this time."

"Then put it on the list. That way I can't call them it anymore, but everyone will still know what they are."

"A wonderful solution," said Giles as he broke into a very Ripperish smile.

5) Newly IniTiated Watchers-in-Training are not NITWITs.

* * *

"I can't believe you did that," said a shocked Willow as they made their way out of the house after they convinced some parents that their twin daughters were a slayer and a witch.

"Oh there is no way you can blame me for that," said Xander, shaking his head in denial. "It was just a prank to open the way so you could work your mojo."

"You held the book and then said a fire spell, how is this not your fault?"

"It wasn't a magic book; it was a normal everyday book. It's even written in English Willow. Every time I've tried that spell away from the magic books nothing has happened, so other than not knowing God has a twisted sense of humor I don't see how I did anything wrong."

"Did you have to ask if you could keep it?"

"Are you kidding me?" asked Xander as patted the slightly burnt and still damp copy of Fahrenheit 451. "This is proof that not only does God have a sense of irony, but that I really am his monkey boy when he needs some giggles."

6) No longer allowed to demonstrate magic by lighting books on fire.

* * *

It was one of the creepiest things Buffy had ever seen in her life, and considering her life that was saying something.

"No Xander," said Buffy in a tone that put Willow's resolve face to shame.

"Oh come on, it isn't that bad," said Xander as he looked at himself in the mirror.

"Lilly almost killed you when she came home from patrol tonight, do you have a death wish or something?"

"Okay fine, ruin my fun with logic and threats against my life. This was just a demo anyway."

Buffy watched as the glowing orb walked over to the wall and turned on the lights, revealing Xander with a glowing super ball in what should be an empty eye socket.

"So, any idea on how to get this thing out?" asked Xander.

7) Not allowed to get a glow in the dark prosthetic eye.

* * *

"It's your own fault you know," said Dawn as she flipped through a three month old issue of Time magazine.

"This is in no way my fault," stated Xander.

"You know that Kennedy was having a tough time with Willow."

"Yeah, that's why I was able to hit her. Okay so it was still a one in a million shot, but if she wasn't distracted she would have dodged it."

"And she still went down like the rules said she should, but then you just had to show off and humiliate her."

"Hey, when else was I going to get a chance like this; besides the extra humiliation was supposed to teach her a lesson."

"And just what lesson did you learn?"

Xander winced as he shifted his weight and said, "That Nerf products are surprisingly firm when compressed."

Just then a nurse came into the waiting room and said, "Mr. Harris, the proctologist will see you now."

Xander winced as he got up and waddled into the examination room. He just hoped that Buffy didn't feel like he needed to be taught a lesson and put this on the list.

8) Upon winning any training session with the Nerf Crossbows, I may not 'finish it execution style'.

* * *

Buffy twitched as the now familiar cry went through the house.

It had all started out innocent enough when they had been forced to retreat from a fight Xander had acted out a part from one of his favorite movies. That silly act boosted moral, giving the younger slayers the courage they needed to face the demon mage again and win this time.

However Xander, being Xander, didn't stop there though. For the past week every time someone stopped or 'thwarted' from doing something he would let out that same cry for no other reason than to drive Buffy and Giles insane.

Willow was so lucky she was out of the country at the moment.

"What was it this time?" asked Buffy as she walked into the kitchen.

"She stole the last of my cereal!" cried Xander as he pointed an accusing finger at the grinning slayer. "How am I supposed to make it through the day without my bowl of sugar goodness?"

"It's time you joined us grownups in a little thing we call coffee."

"She also took the last of the milk, so what else do you expect me to put in my bowl of cereal?"

This image was the preverbal straw that broke the camel's back. Fighting her now queasy stomach Buffy turned around and said, "Okay that's it. I can't stop the abomination that is putting coffee in cereal, but I will stop the stupid yelling, it's going on the list."

After she stormed out of the room Xander glanced at the clock and noticed that it had been one hundred and sixty eight hours sense he started his geek version of the Chinese water torture. Personally he had been hoping to make her break in the first forty eight, but that just meant that he'd have to be better next time.

9) May not yell "Khaaaaaaaan!" when thwarted in any endeavor.

* * *

"Her parents wanted her to take an abstinence course!" screamed Xander as he desperately tried to keep Buffy from shoving Mr. Pointy into an area that was strictly exit only.

"So you decided to tell them about me and Angel?" said Buffy with a distinct growl in her voice.

"And you and Parker, and you and Riley, and you and Spike," confirmed Xander. "But the good news is that after hearing those stories none of the new Slayers want to have sex, and I think one is seriously thinking about becoming a nun."

It was at this point that Buffy caught Xander and (Scene removed due to the high violence content that has no place in a comedy story. Honestly you don't need a play by play; just know that Anya would approve of Buffy's actions.)

"Just so you know, this is going on the list," said Buffy as she stood up and dusted off her hands. Xander simply stayed on the ground, glad that he had the foresight to pre program the number of a good proctologist into his cell phone.

10) References to Buffy's dating habits may not be used as a cautionary tale to younger Slayers.

* * *

"Xander?"

"Yes Giles?"

"I'm curious if you have any idea why Andrew has locked himself in a closet."

"Well someone, I don't know who, may have given the new Slayers the idea that they have to go through a ritual to be fully initiated into the role of a Slayer. Now this ritual may or may not involve pantsing Andrew."

"And just what did Andrew do to deserve this kind of treatment?"

"Well he may have eaten my, er someone's, pizza. A pizza that was clearly labeled and was being saved in the fridge because said someone had to skip lunch and dinner."

"Ah, I see. As justifiable as the actions of this mysterious someone may be, there are some things that shouldn't be done. Now while I'm sure a general announcement to stop will be ignored, I think that a rule posted on the list will catch everyone's eye."

"Probably, because while funny the first dozen times, there are some things man was not meant to see, one of those things is a pantsless Andrew."

11) Pantsing Andrew is NOT an initiation ritual.

* * *

"No, no way, absolutely not!"

"Oh come on Buffy, they were so disappointed when the rule about Andrew went out that they begged me to come up with something else."

"I don't care; this isn't even close to what you should be doing with a bunch of eighteen year old girls!"

"Faith disagrees," said Xander as he pointed to the Dark Slayer who was wearing a pair of shorts and a white t-shirt with the word judge written on it in black marker.

Buffy's left eyebrow began to twitch as she said, "The fact that Faith agreed that it's a good idea should tell you just how wrong this is! You know what, forget it, I'm just going to put this on the list."

12) Neither are wet T-Shirt contests.

* * *

Xander smirked as he walked into the indoor pool room. Dawn and some of the younger SIT's had asked him to come down as give them swimming lessons. Now he was all for helping to teach the girls the finer points of aquatic maneuvering, but he had overheard a group of them giggling about how they planned to use the session to get his engine so revved up that he's have to call Mary Palm and her five friends later that night.

Now if this had been a year ago or so Xander would have just shrugged and given the lesions until the girls had gotten out of hand and then ended it. However a part of him was really beginning to enjoy causing chaos and forcing Buffy to write new rules for that list of hers, hence Operation Speedo.

Operation Speedo was rather self explanatory really, and while his original one from the swim team was buried in the sinkhole formally known as Sunnydale it had been simple enough to buy a new one at the local health club. Deciding to take a play from some of the girls he had intentionally bought one that was at least two sizes too small.

"Hello you sexy beast, I think I'm in love," muttered one of the English slayers, in a tone low enough that Xander probably wasn't meant to hear it.

"It's stuffed, it has to be stuffed," muttered another girl as Xander got into the pool.

"Trust the voice of experience here, it's not stuffed," said Faith. She had just come to watch Xander get flustered as the girls gave him a hard time, however this was even better.

Faith was disappointed however. It seemed like most of the girls lost their nerve when Xander's manhood was only contained by a thin piece of cloth that looked like it was already stretched so much it was going to snap off at any moment.

That wasn't to say that no one tried though. A few of the more adventurous girls more or less molded their bodies to his, and one went so far as to flash him, but while the bulge increased it remained covered.

"Okay girls, that's enough for today. I'm calling it quits, but if anyone wants to continue this I'll be back here at the same time tomorrow," said Xander an hour after he had first gotten into the pool.

The next day the pool room was filled to the brim. The events of the last swim class had spread like wildfire, and now every girl in the compound was in her bathing suit to see if reality would be as good as the gossip.

Xander walked into the much more crowded pool room with the same confidant stride he had yesterday, despite the fact that he was rather nervous about how many people had shown up.

"Well this explains things," said Buffy, as the only fully clothed woman pushed her way towards the only male. Buffy took one look at what Xander was wearing before breaking into a full face blush and saying, "I'm banning the Speedo."

"Oh come on Buffy, it's just some fun. Besides Jill thinks I'm a sexy beast," said Xander, his voice carrying over the various shouts of displeasure.

"Doesn't matter, it's too distracting."

"It's not like I plan to wear it all the time. How exactly can it be too distracting when I only wear it for an hour a day?"

"Because this was all that was left in my combat training class," said Buffy as he held up a sheet of paper that simply said 'Taken up Swimming.' "Sorry Xander, but this is going on the List."

13) The Speedo is not to be worn, even if I am a 'sexy beast.'


	5. Rules 14 through 21

"Did I come at a bad time?" asked Riley Finn as he surveyed the meeting room full of battle plans.

"Oh God, what is it this time?" asked Buffy as she looked at the same room. This was not the way to convince the US military that they weren't a threat to the government.

"Wow, subverting the US mole already, you're really earning that overlord of Europe hat there Buff," said Xander as he walked in behind the stunned duo.

"Xander, why do you have a room full of invasion plans?" asked Riley.

"Well I was board one night, so I decided to try and take over the world now that I'm leading an army of Slayers. I mean everyone here is thinking it anyway, so why shouldn't I make a few plans just to see if I could do it."

"This is because Dawn got you those 'Pinky and the Brain' DVDs isn't it?" muttered Buffy. "Listen Xander, you can't use the Watchers Council to take over the world, it's going on the list."

"No it isn't," stated Xander in a sing song voice.

"And why isn't it?"

"I think I figured out how to defeat China's dragons," said Giles as he walked into the room carrying even more battle plans. "Once we've taken them out, the rest of the army can be taken out using various magical spells."

"Oh good Lord," moaned Buffy before slapping a hand over her face in embarrassment.

"Careful there Buff, soon you too will be drinking tea and wearing tweed," teased Xander.

"Giles, please explain to me why you're egging him on before I lose it."

"Ah well, Xander has always been rather persuasive, and when he explained how the world would benefit from a ruling body that actively fought the evil of the supernatural world I was rather moved."

"Why are there a bunch of radiation symbols over France?" asked Riley as he looked over one of the maps that were laying about the room.

"Xander may have also bribed me with the promise of pushing the big red button and nuking France." admitted Giles.

"France is the home of Paris, the birth place of worldly fashion. You are not… Nuking… France!" hissed Buffy through clenched teeth as she imagined a world without Paris, a world where England forced the world to wear tweed all the time.

"This goes on the List. Any objections?" asked Buffy as she pinned both Xander and Giles with the patented Glare of Female Fury.

For his part Riley wondered how quickly he could get out of this insane asylum. Buffy and her group had always been unorthodox, but now it looked like they were all heading straight of a section 8.

14) The New Watchers Council is not planning world domination.

14a) Even if you promise to let Giles nuke France.

* * *

"Do I even want to know?" asked Buffy as she looked at the giant mud pit in front of her.

"Special training," said Xander. "A slayer can't always choose where they'll have to fight so I figured it would be best to get them used to fighting in mud and stuff now."

"The camera?" asked Buffy as she glanced to where several cameras were positioned around the mud pit.

"What better way to show them what they were doing wrong than with visual proof."

"What about the bikinis?"

"I figured it would be a waist to have them ruin decent clothes for a training exercise."

"You know what, forget it. No matter how you try to explain this it boils down to you getting the girls in bikinis and making them mud wrestle, it's going on the list."

With those words Buffy stalked off in a huff, not noticing Xander simply shrug it off. By this point he was beginning to know the value of a plan B.

Now the only question was how he could refrigerate the swimming pool long enough for the Jello to gel and not simply be a bunch of colored water.

15) Mud wrestling is not valid combat training.

15a) Nor is Jello wrestling.

* * *

"What are you reading Xander?" asked Willow as she sat down next to her best friend.

"Healing stuff; I figured that if I could patch the girls up it would be of the good," said Xander.

"Oh so it's medical doctor stuff?"

"Kinda," said Xander as he showed her just what he was reading.

After one glance Willow turned beet red and hissed, "Xander that's tantric magic!"

"Well yeah. I mean I'm not smart enough to go and do the whole med school thing without doing nothing but studying for ten years, and that's just not going to happen. With tantric magic I can do some serious healing right now."

"I don't think that's a good idea Xander," stated Willow as her mind flashed back to a memorable Valentine's Day that occurred several years ago.

"Hey some of the really rare books even say that I can summon stuff to help me fight, so it's a good thing on offence as well."

Now Willow had an image of Xander summoning a monster like the one from the porno cartoon she had caught Mai Ying watching; all tenticals and penetration and wrongness to be around any girl.

With this image in mind Willow began to twitch.

"You're studying tantric rituals? Cool!" piped up a new voice as Dawn appeared behind Xander. "Can I join in?"

"Sorry Dawnie, but you have to be really flexible for some of these. I learned how to get my body into some really interesting shapes when Anya was living with me, but you probably can't join in yet," said Xander while imaging the shapes that Buffy would force his body into if Dawn joined in, shapes that he wouldn't be able to survive unless he had a spell to turn his flesh and bones into silly putty.

Dawn simply raised one eyebrow at this statement and then raised one leg so high her tows were above her head.

"Two hours of Yoga and Tie-Chi every day. I think I can get into any position you can imagine."

The next few moments were lost as Xander's brain entered into his own personal blue screen of death as his hormones and survival instincts sent conflicting messages causing a major systems error.

"Xander this is for your own good," said Willow as she handed him what was quickly becoming a very familiar piece of paper.

16) May not try out any tantric healing rituals.

16a) Or any tantric rituals, for that matter.

* * *

"You know that you will be killed for this, don't you?" asked Jesse from his spot, watching another girl walk by rubbing her arms.

"We face death every day, we should be willing to die for a cause we believe in," stated Xander in a solemn voice as he sat between two of the more tolerable NITWITS.

"Both Buffy and that Swedish Watcher were just wearing a thin white shirt because it was so hot outside, I believe in this cause," said Mike.

"Amen," said Xander and Jesse as another woman walked by, her summer shirt unable to hide the affect the cold air was having on her upper torso.

17) Locking the Air Conditioner to 'on' is prohibited.

* * *

"Oh come on, I earned that name," whined Xander.

"You got lucky. I didn't mean it like that you perv!" said Buffy once she saw the grin that quickly developed on her friends face. "I mean that you're lucky that succubus didn't kill you."

"You say lucky, I say just that good," replied Xander.

"Listen, she had to be defective or something. I don't care what you and Anya did, there is no way you could put a sex demoness into a coma just from sleeping with her."

"Except for the fact that I did."

"Giles is working with the research team to figure out what happened, because what you say happened is impossible. While they are figuring it out we don't need you helping the more immature Slayers and Watchers think that this is possible or they may try it for themselves."

Xander's shoulders slumped, "But I earned that name."

"Life isn't always fair, I'm sure you can deal."

18) I am not the 'Sexual Slayer.'

* * *

"How?" asked Willow in a combination of shock and horror.

"Faith gets the credit for that, she's the one that agreed to demonstrate," said Xander.

"Why? Precious childhood memories! Not this!" said Willow as she pointed at one portion of the destroyed room that had either a thong or a Speedo wedged between the floorboards.

"Oh come on Wills, I'm not as much of an internet geed as you are, but even I've heard of rule thirty four," said Xander. He knew what was coming, but considering that he got two bulging veins, and five different facial tics he considered it his victory.

19) The Snoopy Dance has no stripping, even if Faith agrees to demonstrate.

* * *

"Not again," groaned Buffy as she spotted Xander walking down the hall with a shovel. "Please tell me that you need to bury some demonic corpse."

"That's a possibility, if not a probability," admitted Xander.

"Okay, I've had way too many complaints about this lately. The girls here may not be following the whole one girl in all the world path I did, but they're still fighting demons every night, and the last thing they need is you scaring off their boyfriends."

"In my defense, some of those guys really need to be chased away, given the fact that they were only interested in the H&H part of a slayer's life."

"H&H?"

"Hungry and horny," clarified Xander.

"Ah, those guys. They have to deal with those guys on their own. Who knows they may be like Faith and like those guys, but if they don't you. Then get to be the guy with the chocolate ice cream, not the guy with a shovel."

"Can't I be both?"

"Nope, it's an unwritten rule, that will become a written rule as soon as I find the list, we don't interfere with the love lives of the girls living here. Doing so leads to nasty letters home that imply to very angry parents that you and Giles are building a harem, and that leads to very nasty phone calls that I have to deal with because my secretary doesn't know the meaning of screening calls."

"Just me and Giles? What about… no I think that one is self-explanatory, and despite insinuations to the contrary Faith isn't big on the sharing, so that takes Robin off the list as well."

"Just no more messing with the love lives okay?"

"Okay, if it's a rule I won't break it," said Xander.

Any words of gratitude Buffy may have spoken were drowned out by the sounds of a motorcycle right outside the front door. This was soon followed by a squeal of excitement by the last person Buffy wanted to hear it from.

"Drakes here!" shouted Dawn as she raced down the hall and towards the front door. "Don't wait up for me Buffy, see ya!"

"Biker?" asked Buffy as her brain processed what had just happened.

"Wanabe," replied Xander in a conversational tone. "He acts tough but if he thinks there's danger he goes in the other direction."

"Dawn's dating a biker?"

"Wouldn't be, but apparently me and Mister Blunt Force Trauma can't make that decision for her."

Grabbing his shirt Buffy used her strength until they were face to face and said, "There is an exception to every rule."

"Mister Blunt Force Trauma thanks you," said Xander with a dark grin. "Now if you will excuse me there is a club where a little dragon needs to be told the exact consequences of not treating the princess right."

"Just as long as I get to come with you."

"Couldn't stop you even if I wanted to."

20) Shovels are to be used to dig dirt, not to threaten anyone's date.

20a) Except Dawnie's.

* * *

"She was twenty!"

"Doesn't matter," said Buffy with a shake of her head. "Age isn't the problem here. There is a line and you crossed it."

"We've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks Buffy; I don't see how what we do is any of your business."

"Ben and Jerry's is a holy comfort food, using it to bend someone to your perverted will is wrong on so many levels! I mean we're supposed to be the ones holding things back to get what we want, not you using our great weakness against us!"

Xander simply shook his head. It was probably a good thing that he was learning this when he was older and wiser, because if he had known how well this worked in high school it would have been the love spell all over again.

21) Ben and Jerry's may not be hidden and then traded for sexual favors.


	6. Rules 22 through 27

"Xander, why are we hiding in this bunker?" asked Robin.

"Because the Red Tide is at hand us my friend. Now that the Slayers have been cohabitating their womanly body functions have begun to synchronize. This event is to be feared when only normal women are involved, but when said women can separate us from our man parts with their bare hands it is time for us to hide until things have calmed down," said Xander.

"Um, what happens if a demon attacks while we're down here?" asked a nameless NITWIT in a red shirt.

"Then we hope that they work out their anger on the demon instead of us. If they don't then we pray that they gave the poor SOB a quick death," stated Robin. As a full grown man who was dating Faith the black man was silently singing Xander's praises. He had faced off against some of the nastier hell spawn in his life so he could handle one slayer on PMS, but an entire house full would have turned his hair white.

Any further conversation was cut off by the screech of metal bending. All the males watched in a horrid fascination as the four inch thick steel door that separated their refuge from the rest of the world began to warp, before being completely torn from the hinges.

"Hey, is Xander in there?" asked Buffy in a rather perky voice. "Andrew told me he referred to a somewhat embarrassing bodily function as the Week of Doom, and I want to talk to him about that."

"He also called it the Red Tide!" said Robin in what many would call a girlish shriek as he threw Xander towards the entrance in the hopes that a living sacrifice would spare everyone else.

"Traitors!" shouted the condemned sacrifice as he was dragged off. "So help me, if any of you eat even one of my Twinkies now; I'm so going to come back and haunt your ass!"

22) 'That Time of the Month' may not be referred to as 'The Week of Doom' or 'The Red Tide.'

* * *

"Oh come on, this is blatant abuse of power!" ranted Xander. "You guys have called my dates a lot worse and I haven't said anything."

"Your last two girlfriends tried to end the world X," commented Faith from where she was enjoying the floor show.

"So not the point," muttered Xander. "I still say that Buffy's are just as bad."

"Gendo is human, he has a soul, he isn't going to destroy the world, and you calling him the 'demon of the week' is sending the wrong message to the younger Slayers," said Buffy as she finished writing down the twenty third rule on the List. "Now if you'll excuse me I have a date to get ready for."

"You're my witness," said Xander as he pointed at Faith. "This guy may have passed the background checks we had all the surviving members of the old Council go through, and raising his Slayer looks good on paper, but there is something seriously wrong with Rei. She may be like that normally but I'm putting my money on Gendo being a major contributor, and this ending very badly."

"Fine, I'm your witness," said Faith as she put her hands up in the air in exasperation. "B's got a point though, even if he turns out to be a serial killer or something it still wouldn't beat wanting to end the world."

23) May not call Buffy's boyfriend 'the demon of the week.'

* * *

"It would have worked," grumbled Xander as he watched Buffy destroy the charts he would have used during the next meeting.

"No," said Buffy as she took the charts shredded remains and compacted them into a garbage can small enough that she probably broke at least three laws of physics to make everything fit.

"We need money that doesn't come from creepy guy's like-"

"That name has been forbidden under penalty of extreme pain. That's beside the point though; it's degrading so the answer is still no."

"It would be volunteers only, all of whom would be legal. We wouldn't even be doing anything that's really adult, just some vids of the girls in tight workout clothes showing off their moves, maybe some clips of them taking out a demon or vamp."

"No one would pay to see stuff like that."

"I had Faith do a solo test run and she made like ten grand in a month. Hot girl plus violence equals hormonal teenage boys parting with their money."

That made Buffy pause for a few moments as if she was considering it before she said, "The answer is still no. If you really think we can make some money off of this try selling it to Hollywood or something."

"Oh no, the crack has saturated the air making everyone in that town insane. If I sell the story there it will be warped and mutilated into something that will require us to kill some people on general principle alone."

"This is because of the rumor that they're rebooting Star Trek isn't it," stated Buffy as she recalled the current geek argument that Xander and Andrew were having.

"You're darn right it is," said Xander with a firm nod of his head. "They plan to mess with the true classics here Buff; no good can come from such actions. Mark my words once this movie comes out the fans will rise as one in fury to destroy those who created such an abomination."

"Whatever," said Buffy, with a dismissive wave of her hand. "The answer is still no, and just to get the point across I'm making it a rule."

24) May not propose as a money-making venture.

* * *

"Shave," said Buffy as she tossed a can of shaving cream at Xander.

"Not happening!" cried Xander as he dodged the projectile. "It's every man's right to grow a full beard at least once in his life."

"Shave," said Willow as she picked up the can and began to chase Xander.

"Oh come on, if I have a beard I can complete the pirate look. People can call me Blackbeard!" said Xander as he ran around the room dodging his oldest friend as she made the occasional lunge to try and capture him.

Laughing at the antics of the main three, Faith stood up, pulled her shirt over her head and said, "Shave."

"Boobies," said Xander with a nod of agreement as he took the can of shaving cream from Willow and left the room, his mind significantly fried that all he could do was agree.

"And that is how you get a man to agree with you," said Faith as she put her shirt back on and sat down.

"Dawn, where are you going?" asked Buffy as her sister began to leave the room.

"Just making sure someone is around if he needs more treatments before he finishes shaving."

"One meeting, just one meeting with everyone present not dissolving into pure chaos, that's all I asked for," moaned Giles as he looked at how everyone was reacting in what was supposed to be a simple budget meeting.

"Now we just have to say that he isn't allowed to grow a beard on the list and we're golden," said Buffy, completely ignoring Giles.

"I think that we need a better reason. If it doesn't at least look like we're trying to protect Xander's life or their sanity everyone else will think we're just being mean to Xander."

"I got it," said Buffy as inspiration struck.

25) May not request to be called "Blackbeard."

* * *

"Why?" asked Buffy as she rubbed her head, trying to get rid of the pressure she could already feel forming.

"Well I just got this nifty card and thought it would be the responsible thing to share my knowledge," said Xander as he showed Buffy the card. "Besides Faith thought it was a good idea."

"Faith thinking something is a good idea is a sure sign that it's morally wrong and probably against the law in most states," pointed out Buffy. "Now in case that isn't clear enough let me come outright and say: no, you can't teach a Sex Ed class. Also no, I don't care that you have a card that says you're qualified, it just isn't happening."

26) I am not a certified sex instructor, even if I have a card that says I am.

* * *

"I only called you that once!" complained Xander. "Once and I've had that one on hand for months now, just waiting for the right moment to use it!"

"You used it right as I was going to bed with Faith, once was enough," growled Robin.

"You're way too sensitive," replied Xander. "Besides if I can't use your first name I'll have to use your last. Do you really want me going there?"

"Bring it; I haven't let those jokes get to me since I finished High School."

Further arguments were halted as Faith slinked into the room, wrapped her hands around Robin and said in a husky voice, "Morning Man Wonder."

"Man Wonder?" asked Xander.

"What can I say, some stereotypes have some biases in fact, and my man is all man," said Faith with a smirk.

27) Robin is never to be referred to as 'The Boy Wonder.'


End file.
